pivoting curtsey lunges

Should you add pivoting curtsy lunges[1][2] to your workout?

Go into the bathroom. Undress your lower half. Twist around so you can see your butt in the mirror. How does it look?

If you answered flat, flabby, or flaccid, my God yes, you need curtsy lunges. You probably don’t even do squats, regular lunges, or deadlifts, do you?

If you ran screaming from the room because your butt makes you think of a come-on for a porn site, don’t think that curtsy lunges will tame the beast. They’ll just make it stronger and more assertive.

If you spend the next 30 minutes admiring your round, perky backside, telling it it’s the cutest butt you ever did see, you just finished a set of curtsy lunges, didn’t you?

Now take a greasy peanut butter jar and grip it between your thighs using only your inner thigh muscles. Can you hold it there so firmly no one can take it away from you? Can you feel the bulge of your muscles like steel as they’re working? Can you shatter the jar in the vise of your thighs?

If the jar slips to the floor through your thigh gap, seek professional help.

If you answered no to any of these questions, 3 sets of curtsy lunges, pronto.

If you answered yes to all of these questions, are you lying? If not, would you share your workout with me?

–hmm

[1] Ask your doctor or physical therapist before embarking on a training program that might result in pivoting curtsy lunges.

[2] Check in with your common sense before following any fitness advice in a post intended to be humorous.